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I don’t know what I want (Or I do, but it’s terrifying)

20 March 2019 • Coaching, Purpose, Soul, Wisdom

Do you feel that you are always putting other people’s needs and feelings first? Your partner’s, kids’, parents’ maybe? That you hardly every choose something, purely because you and you alone want it a particular way?

And you’re fed up with it sometimes. The eternal pleasing.

But when you try to think what it is you’d do if you could have it your way, you don’t know, really.

You have gotten so used to always take into account everybody else’s needs and desires, that you have no clue what it is that you want.

‘I think I’m not that bothered’, a client told me the other day. But when I asked, it turned out that really, she was. She did get annoyed always trying to please everyone. Thing was, she had no idea what she wanted for herself. She’d quite forgotten how to read her own compass, and travel by it.

Many women have forgotten what they want, somewhere along the way.
For the longest time, I didn’t know what I wanted either,

When my supervisor once asked me what I wanted when I was a child, I said: ‘I didn’t know it was an option to want anything.’
I wasn’t supposed to. My will didn’t matter, I just had to obey my parents.
So I learned to please. To adjust my feelers so as to sense exactly what was expected of me, and act accordingly.

‘Wanting’ is something I have re-educated myself on, bit by bit.
Or rather – wishing. Desiring. Feeling, deep inside, that pursuing this thing is worthwhile, that it is going to make me happy, that it is going to be beautiful and that, well, I want it.

This also means sometimes finding that an earlier choice was no longer working.

This can be a consequence of rediscovering your wishes and desires.

It can be frightening. Because the pleasing had paid off. It made you belong. It shielded you from rejection. People liked you for it. You were a pleasant, flexible, easy-going person.

And when suddenly you start to choose differently, when you follow your heart (or soul), they don’t get you anymore. What’s more, not everyone likes you anymore.

Recently, I talked to a woman who shyly admitted that she was doubting almost her whole life as it was. Partner, family, work – it didn’t seem to fit anymore. She was growing, and they didn’t grow with her.
But the doubt terrified her. Did this mean she had to give it all up? Because it felt like that. But what then? Wasn’t this who she was, who she had been most of her life? And giving it up – for what?
But the nagging feeling wouldn’t go away either.

I was that woman. When I was in my early thirties, I was about to blow up my life: partner, work, residence. ‘It might be a bit much to change it all at the same time’, a friend ventured.
I thought so too.

I was shit scared.

But I did it anyway.

I blew up my whole life. I had no choice. Well, I did, but the inner restlessness was eating at me. I wasn’t sure what it was about; all I knew was that I had to go and change everything. There was no escaping from it.

And what I feared happened. Not everyone understood. Some people judged me. I lost friends. Not many, and not the ones who really mattered. So.

Where I was going I didn’t know either.
Because this is often the case with our (soul’s) desires: they don’t show up as a ready made plan with neat how-to’s and a clear image of the end result.

So this is not an easy thing to do! Hearing the soul’s whisper, understanding it, trusting it and acting on it.

It is much safer to keep everything as it is.

And that is exactly what this is about.

Safety versus desire.

How on earth do you navigate those cliffs?

Tear everything down, simply because you feel restless and have vague desires?
Leave everything as it is, while going quietly mad with the restlessness, irritability and dissatisfaction?

What if it doesn’t have to be this black and white?

What if you don’t have to throw yourself off a cliff?
But you don’t have to forfeit your desires and spend your life regretting it either?

I might be able to help you, and this is how:

We have a chat to explore whether I could walk beside you for a couple of months, as your mentor, and teach you new ways of being, help you transform. The chat is online and with no obligation, of course. We simply find out if we are a match, how it would work and what it would ask from you.

Do you feel your desires are trying to break through, and there’s no way you can push them back?
Do you feel this blog is about you?

You make an appointment for a virtual coffee with no obligations, but with my promise that you’ll definitely leave with a few insights and some relief . If I feel I can’t help you, I’ll tell you. If I can, I make an offer – which you can refuse, of course.

If you want the coffee, here is the link to my calendar.

Talk to you soon!

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