Many women I talk to want change in their lives. And so many of them don’t know how to achieve it.
Their life is not satisfactory somehow. Things feel slow, stuck, heavy, joyless, or simply too much.
But when I ask them what exactly they want, they can’t tell me. They look at me apologetically, as if there is something wrong with them.
Because we should know this, right? We should be crystal clear on our desires, our purpose, our goals in life.
Everyone else seems to be.
But if you’re Alice….
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)
… if you have no plan, no clear direction, you can end up anywhere.
And that’s o.k. and totally permitted. If that is how you like it.
But more often than not, the Alices I talk to have ended up somewhere they don’t really want to be.
So most of the time, they can tell me quite easily what they don’t want. Of course. Because that is where they are now.
And they’re not exactly liking it.
Hardly surprising, because most of what they are experiencing more or less happened to them. Even their partner.
Oh yes. Whole legions of women ended up getting together with the guy or girl that wanted them, not necessarily the one they hand-picked carefully.
If you don’t have a plan you become part of somebody else’s plan.
(That quote’s not mine by the way, but Terrence McKenna’s, and I’ve resented it for years because I didn’t want that to be true while deep down I knew it was.)
And again, I’m not saying that is wrong and shouldn’t happen and can only end in disaster. Sometimes what happens to us can be a great blessing.
Or an important lesson, or both.
But if you are in that stuck place, that restless, dissatisfied, directionless place, it is time to look at your choices, your desires, your goals, your purpose.
And let me tell you something: if you don’t know exactly what you want, welcome to the club. There is nothing wrong with you.
I meet more women who don’t, than women who do.
For a long time, I didn’t know myself either. Wanting something and making sure I got it was not on the list of desired behaviour, when I was a kid. So I unlearnt to want. I learnt to please.
Perhaps you, too, have internalized the rule that it’s better to be meek than wilful. And if that has been your strategy for all these years, it’s no surprise that you’ve kind of completely lost touch with your deepest desires, right?
So stop blaming yourself, stop judging the fact that you’re not sure what you want, that you don’t have a plan, that you’re out of touch with your soul’s desires.
And stop believing that it is impossible for you to know what you want.
Because it isn’t. You know what you don’t want. That is a perfect starting point.
We can work with that.
Look at your life, or a particular situation in your life, and start listing the things you don’t want. Just write it all out.
Then look at your list and dig deeper. What is it about this that I don’t want? What have I said ‘yes’ to, that I really should have said ‘no’ to? What could I not say ‘yes’ to because I said ‘yes’ to this? Or: what is lacking in this situation? What is missing? What would make it different so that I could say ‘yes’ to it?
Come up with your own questions. Allow the answers to come up spontaneously. Don’t overthink it, see what presents itself to you.
There are loads more ways to unblock your desires and get in touch with what you really want. And you might need to learn to take your desires seriously, and build confidence to act on them.
If you’d like some support with that, I can help you. I happen to be a wiz at unblocking your view, unlocking desires and moving into trust and confidence.
Get on a complimentary discovery call and let’s see if we are a match.